IF THIS IS HOW YOU THINK... STOP FOSTERING KIDS!

Ok... RANT ALERT! 
WHY 'OH' WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE FOSTER CARERS! 
I found this post in a group I am in and it made my blood BOIL! 
(I removed the poster's name and the name of the group for obvious reasons) 

I understand there is a massive hole in our foster care system and families and children in care are not REMOTELY getting the care or support they need by FACS and NGO'S but if you can not comprehend that kids in care are broken... they are grieving... they need all the love and support they can get - that they need someome to advocate for their rights.... THEN DON'T APPLY TO BE A CARER!
If you and your foster child are not getting what you need MAKE A STAND! Advocate for that child and your self! ANY foster parent counting down the days 

Don’t ask me what went through my brain. I’m actually so ashamed of writing this...Journal 01/07/16

Have you ever looked back on your week, month or year and just have no words? If so, you have an idea on how this week has been. The week seemed to have flown by and I’ve had just about every emotion but on the up side… I’m in one piece and survived.

I’ve accomplished a few goals but none of them were easy. I soldiered through each of those tasks but would be sooo emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. On the upside, being so emotionally exhausted has meant I have been in bed by 1030pm  at night and I’ve been getting adequate sleep.

I stated the week by spending my Monday at RMS. I achieved the goal of transferring the car from dad’s name into mine and re-registering. It was quite the process though to be honest. I couldn’t do the green slip until the rego was in my name, but I couldn’t register the car until I had a green slip. After a few circles and admittedly a few tears at the RMS, I got the car registered. (big tick for me!) I did however look like a complete tool when the customer service assistant at the RMS asks not just “what’s your father’s date of birth” but goes on to ask his date of death and follows that up with “oh.. he died on his birthday- how freaky is that circle of life!” I couldn’t fight the tears any more. Now, of cause I’m not talking about an all-out boo-hooing but I couldn’t hold the tears as they ran like waterfalls from my eyes leaving me having too quickly pat them dry without too many people noticing. On a complete flip note, I came across a great guy when I went into QBE… He was really sensitive and didn’t ask ridiculous questions, he just took the paperwork and looked up the info he needed from the death certificate and will. Without any further questions he looked up from the computer and smiled at me then said ‘are you an only child?’ I nodded yes- so he grinned. He explained he is also an only child and went through something similar 3yrs ago when his mum died. He reached over the counter and patted my shoulder. For the first time in a long time, I just witnessed a genuinely caring stranger.  As a society we have lost that ability to care about anyone outside our selves or families but this guy was absolutely on point. You could see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch as he patted me… Although I will probably never see this guy again, he gave me some faith back in humanity. He honestly made the process a little more bearable.  I have known for a few weeks now that I have to ‘undadify’ everything and start to deal with all the things I have from him on my ‘to do list’ but it really isn’t easy guys. Anyone thinking I’m a screw ball or ‘weak’ really needs to swallow their words and wait and see how you deal with the mess at your feet when your parents die… THEN do it all unsupported! No one in my world has the slightest clue. My partner looks at me weird and doesn’t get it… In saying that, both his parents are alive. My friends are all in that same category. I knew my best bet was to sleep those emotions off and save my breath talking about them.

Tuesday was all about girly time with both my girls…. You know.. hair and makeup play and allowing them time for my girls to bond as sisters. Wednesday I finally took the steps to remove all dads’ veteran stickers off the car and begun ordering stickers that are more me. Normally I would argue that cars don’t need stickers… but I need to change my mindset over the car and so ordering stickers that are more ‘ME’ will hopefully help change the feel of it. I then also bought a steering wheel cover, cleaned the car out and bought a phone holder.  The energy around the car seems to have shifted and I’m dealing better but the process of taking the stickers off was a little hard. I know what they meant to dad.  They were apart of him identifying and accepting his service in nam. He was shunned for his service in the army… all the nam boys were BUT a part of his healing was accepting. Part of him seeing himself as something other than an alcoholic and rapist… It was important to him… but it’s time to turn the focus off him… His spot light has gone out… His not here. Time to focus on me!

As I took off the stickers from the car, there was a ‘wooshing’ noise that went past my right ear. It was as if a bird swept past but realllll close. I looked for what it could have been but saw nothing either in the air or ground. Was it dad’s spirit unhappy with me? That evening as I cooked dinner I got a message under the photo I put up of dad in a medium group I’m in yet again from Catherine- A English medium. She sais dad stopped in to tell her he was with me over the last few days on my right side as I dealt with his affairs.  I can’t help but feel these points of contact through Catherine aren’t random. For 5mths straight and usually on the 8^th of each month I get a message from dad via her…. I got an extra message after I transferred the car and change things around with it. I have booked myself into see a local physic medium. I figure that IF there is anything to this after life/spiritual stuff I need to let dad talk to me and say whatever it is he needs to say so we can BOTH move on. I don’t mean forget him…. I will always love him beyond all words, but these messages need to calm down. I like the thought that his always with me…. To hear his voice or feel his touch but that leaves room for interoperation….the monthly messages seem a bit much to process. Their undeniable, in black and white and one of my quirks is that I stew over the written word. It feels so concrete to me. I’m just waiting on an email to confirm the apt with the medium.  I am hoping… that if there is anything to this medium stuff, that also the egg donor’s mother come through.  I miss my nan so much but I don’t get any paranormal activity from her yet my kids and I are her only living descendants. There is really only 2 more goals to achieve in finalizing dad’s stuff. One is emptying out his hospital bag and the other is to out his ashes in the ground. I’ve booked in the placement of his ashes. I am doing this alone on the 20^th of July. Why alone? The hubby needs to be up here for my boys who have school and I honestly don’t want my littlies to see me emotional. Miss 12 doesn’t want to go, It’s too much for her. My uncle David said he ‘MIGHT’ be able to come pending work…. SO…. It looks like it may well be just me. Joy! This is why having siblings and extended family is so important. NO ONE should have to do the shit I have to do alone. It is the most isolating feeling in the world. I sometimes feel like I’m in an ice prison. It’s so cold… chilling to ones soul to not just physically but emotionally be alone. It’s this feeling that usually ends up sending me over the edge to suicidal tendencies. I’m going to be mentally preparing myself for putting dad’s body to rest over the next 2 weeks to try and prevent myself from falling down that rabbit hole. I don’t want to feel that way…. Ever again to be honest and I know… I need to emotionally learn to stand alone and be comfortable in that loneliness…. A gift I give my children is the need to NEVER feel this soul aching loneliness I have… as they will ALWAYS have each other.

While having miss 12 home, she has had some great news. She received a call from my mother figure to resolve the ‘what to call her’ debate.  They have apparently settled on ‘Grandma.’ Miss 12 Is ecstatic so I couldn’t ask for a better outcome. This convo bought a lot of smiles to miss 12. To hear someone other than me say they are proud of her… even if her wins are small but meaningful to her. Miss 12’s only other living grandparents really don’t care…. They talk over her and over shadow her wins with their own experiences. You can’t compare schooling from 35+yrs ago to today or a public school from then to the education miss 12 is receiving NOW NOR can you (or should an adult) over power a child’s happiness by cutting them off with their own personal and recent wins. Why they can’t hear miss 12 out THEN tell her what is happening in their world I don’t know. Cutting her off to talk self-absorbed stuff is so childlike of them. She never feels like her paternal grandparents care or hear her out which is so sad! Of cause she wants to hear what’s new for them… but not over the top of her… which is just common curtesy really… you don’t talk over another adult so why would you do that to a child? I’ll never understand my MIL!

Apparently the mother figure told miss 12 that she is just like her… this made her day! I haven’t seen her so happy in so long. (happy yes.. but feel like she relates and belongs… not so much!) When Miss 12 told me about her higher achievement academic award in art at the end of term assembly, I asked her if I was raising a little version of her ‘aunt’ (aka-Grandma) and she giggled and said “Maybe” so to have her say it herself to miss 12 I think really ‘hit the spot.’. I tend to think that like me, she has found a place of belonging with that family. I’m glad this happened while she is still young. This will allow her to grow without a focus on a lack of belonging or acceptance. She knows the truth of where our family came from but also knows she doesn’t belong there and has identified where she can find that sense of belonging which will mean she can grow and develop without a focus of a lack of identification and essence of self-worth. To think all that can come in the form of a ‘name.’ HaHa. Now miss 12 is trying to hit me up for asking her ‘Grandma’s’ husband if she can call him a grandparent term but honestly, for the second time I shut this down. This was enough of a shift for a while… I don’t think either I or them can deal with that process again for a while. Haha. More on that topic… I had a moment of insanity this week. HOLY! I’m so embarrassed and NEVER will I tell that family what I did, but I saw an add for adoption lawyers in Sydney while doing some research for my diploma and found myself emailing them…. Find the facepalming and embarrassing email below.

‘Hi there. I’m just inquiring at this point. I am now 33 and married however, I was a state ward between the years 1996-2000. I was never settled into a 'home' however, a teacher I encountered took special interest and has been the mother figure in my life since said point In time and her family subsequently the only family I'd had. I believe she was noted on my DOCS file as an ‘advocate.’

Both my natural parents are now deceased and the idea of formally becoming the child of that teacher and her husband has been a prominent one in my mind. In saying this,  I do not want any claim over any money,  assets or other from their estate and would like to ensure their natural children’s rights were protected in the case of adoption as my interest is not at all motivated by financial gain either now or in the future but rather just solidify our relationship.

Is adult adoption an option at all to us considering the circumstances and if so, would it be possible to have a clause included that clearly states that I am to receive NO financial gain from the adoption?

If so, it would be great if you would kindly forward me any and all information that would be relevant.

Kind regards.

Rose.’

Don’t ask me what went through my brain. I’m actually so ashamed of writing this email and haven’t opened the reply from the solicitor. I would be KILLED if the family involved found out about it so I’m just going to pretend it never happened. What the hell is wrong with me!!!!  I just want to scream at myself to GROW THE F# UP sometimes.

When does our brain develop enough to stand alone and stop being so gad dam needy? Why do we ‘need’ parents in adulthood? For god sake.. this is ridiculous! I’m such a freaking fool! I actually and completely HATE who I am on the inside.. I hate me sooo much!  I really need to take far more control of my thoughts and actions. I feel this may be my next focus on personal development.. I think this is important to work on and PRONTO!

I’m going to end this blog post here for the week and let you guys get back to your own lives but hopefully you all got a good laugh at my stupidity. I have a psychiatrist apt this coming week and clearly I have a lot to go over with her. I need to prepare myself for putting dad’s ashes to rest and tell her, the only person I can trust on this type of issue, the utter stupidity I engaged in this week.

Till next time peeps.

BECAUSE PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR ARE TALENTED AND SUCCESSFUL! - MEET TRENT COOK

BECAUSE PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR ARE TALENTED AND CAN ACHIEVE SUCCESS!

Last year I met an amazing guy that  I now call 'friend'  whom I am exited to introduce to you guys. Trent is an ex police officer from Sydney who despite suffering PTSD and bipolar, has been able to move past the trials of life and is achieving success as an Investment Property Coach across Sydney. 

Once leaving the police force and assessing his superannuation,  It became clear to Trent that no matter what career he took-  he wasn't going to have the projected TWO MILLION DOLLARS he will need to sustain himself  and his wife IF they were to live comfortably till the age of 88. This made Trent look at alternatives.... 'how can I make my current accumulated super work for me without all the gimmicks?'

Trent has learned how to turn the little cash he had in his superannuation into a property portfolio that won't cost him A CENT from his weekly pay cheque  to grow by using rent paid by tenants to cover the mortgage and expenses of each property.  In turn down the track, he could choose to sell these homes and live off the inflated property prices he sells for OR he can continue to keep said properties and live of rents paid once at retirement age.

This has become the security for Trent and his family's future, but further more,  he has turned this knowledge into an opportunity to tap into his passion for helping those in the community - just without hand cuffs and a pistol but now with his computer and quick wit.

Trent is a really approachable guy who is willing to help others concerned about their futures and the government's current stance on how they 'support' the aging population  and how our superannuation is taxed and managed. (or mismanaged what ever the case may be.)  

If you are interested in learning how to make your superannuation work for you by investing in real-estate and take control of your future as opposed to 'hoping' your employer contribution will be enough  to give you some level of quality... I'd highly recommend a brief chat with Trent.

(tell him his annoying friend Rose  from mental mumma in heals sent you! hahahaha) 

Trent's WEBSITE and facebook links can be found below.

X

PS: Thanks  Trent for sharing your story.

Website: www.jrprosperity.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jrpp.trentcook

Removed!

Ever wondered  what it's like to be a foster kid?  Have you given even 1 minute to understanding their pain.
Watch 'Removed',  a short vid that will open your eyes x infinity!

This was my life... and the life of every child in the system.
Before you judge a foster child and label them... you NEED to watch the below Youtube link!
https://youtu.be/lOeQUwdAjE0

VIETNAM A father's war, a son's toxic inheritance By Stephen M. Katz as told to Mike Hixenbaugh, The Virginian-Pilot and Charles Ornstein, ProPublica

A few months after Stephen's latest heart surgery, A yellow envelope contained a two-inch stack of documents: handwritten notes, old photographs, newspaper clippings, medical files and military service records of a father he hardly knew. A man he hadn't seen in over 20yrs but was an American Vietnam Vet-one of many who was responsible for the actual spraying of the chemical 'Agent orange' on the jungles of Vietnam.

At first,  Stephen didn’t open the envelope, I mean, why would he want to rip open that old wound? He tossed the envelope onto a shelf in a closet, and there it sat for years, forgotten behind a pile of clothes but what Stephen didn't know  was that it held information that would link his life – and health – to a war waged before our birth. It wasn’t until 2 becoming a father in 2012 that he pulled that envelope out, figuring someday he would want to tell his son where he came from... Only to find so many pieces to his life puzzle staring back at him.

Stephen had been to Vietnam prior to opening his fathers package and seen 1st hand the effects of the Vietnam war and Agent Orange over the country and it's people. He met with veterans and children of veterans, volunteered in orphanages  and knows the locals are still suffering long after the rifles have been put down and their air strikes long stopped. The troupes are back home now for 40 years or more but the effects are still immediate in time. Being a photographer, Stephen caught some surreal images on his journey. (Some are available in this link.. but i'll include 2 below just to give you a taste.)

                      

The story in the below link by Charles Ornstein shows a really holistic view of  the post war effects with the help of Stephen Katz .

Take a moment to read and be prepared to see things from a new perspective!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW --> A sons toxic inheritance

WHO ARE YOU CALLING NARCISSISTIC? What is Narcissism? What are the signs:-D

Owl: Narcissistic Personality Disorder – being excessively preoccupied with themselves. Owl believes that he is the most clever animal in the wood, boasting how he has brains whilst “the others have fluff”

SO, WHAT IS NARCISSISM?

Ok, so recently I received an email asking me to cover narcissism or narcissistic personalities after discussing bipolar type II and the impact of schema. REMEMBERING - I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist!  All I can do is shed my personal understanding.  I'm happy for readers to correct me (respectfully) if I am mistaken in the comments under this post.

So......

  From my limited studies last year and having a narcissistic cousin, I understand that narcissists are angered by anything that seems to suggest that like any other human, they too have flaws! They will do just about anything, including brutalizing their own family to maintain that facade of perfection.

Narcissists have extreme and illogical sensitivities, sometimes connecting the most minute observations with their intense fears of being perceived as flawed. Narcissists will strain every muscle to meet their own "flawless" image, and demean or destroy anyone or anything who casts any doubt over that image.  Nearly everyone knows a narcissist and you probably don't need to think to hard to spot that person in your circle.

 People with the disorder suffer with issues of power, recognition and vanity and their lack of empathy toward others can be extremely destructive to relationships. However, under their inflated self-confidence and preoccupation with self-image lies a fragile self-esteem and a feeling of inadequacy.

I haven't read any material that indicates the cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, however, just like most personality disorders, it is probably a mix of childhood experiences and genetic vulnerabilities but there seems to be a suggestion that disorder may develop as a coping mechanism for a damaged self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

Narcissistic rage is common and usually the first sign to those around the narcissist that there is a problem. It can be provoked by the slightest—real or imagined—narcissistic insult, such as not being seen, understood, or appreciated, in the way one feels he deserves. Narcissistic envy may also arise; one hates anyone who has (or seems to have), a rich inner life or external acclaim and feels pain about not having what the other has.

Narcissistic range has several characteristics that differentiate it from other kinds of anger and rage such as:

*It feels and appears irrational, for it is greatly out of proportion to the situation that provoked it. ( This gives the rage the quality of being uncontrollable)

*This rage tends also to be acted out because of or in addition to righteousness and indignation, there is a sense of entitlement

*The irrationality and uncontrolled quality of this rage make's the person closed off to others’ responses or reasoning

* There is a blaming and defensive characteristic of  the narcissistic rage which gives it an isolating quality.  (This schizoid quality is reflected in the actual energetic state of narcissistic rage.)

* A narcissist feels, and is perceived by others as, hard and impenetrable, almost inhuman . There is a meanness in this reaction, a desire to inflict pain, to get back, to avenge oneself.

Narcissistic rage is also characterized by a tendency to devalue the self-object with an intense need to demean and insult . They are motivated to dissolve their wounds by causing a similar wound to the person or perceived people who caused theirs.

The key  to interacting with someone you suspect is narcissistic is to break the vicious circle—to gently thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship by sending the message that you’re more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms; to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all—if they only allow the experience to happen.

In Chinese the ideogram for "crisis" and "opportunity" is one and the same. Helping your narcissist transform their curse into a blessing in other people's lives could indeed benefit the narcissist's self growth and understanding  PLUS help others on their way. Encourage them to tell their story, to teach others how to avoid the same pitfalls, how to cope with the damage in a but in a more institutionalized manner.  encourage them to assist other narcissists  personal growth. As they explore and identify their own strengths and weaknesses, you will find it changes the dynamics of external relationships with people such as yourself. In saying this, I feel the best advise of all is to encourage the loved ones of narcissists to seek help for themselves so they can identify whether it is safe to stay in the relationship, get individualized guidance on how to deal with and help your particular narcissist as well as explore skills to potentially encourage the narcissist to seek professional help for them selves.

(I hope this has helped a little.)

 Reach out is a great NGO with information and resources you may wish to tap into if you or someone you know and love suffers a personality disorder or mental health issues. I have referred many friends to this site over the years as well as clients when in youth work.

http://au.reachout.com/help-services-for-personality-disorders

 5 more character's we grew up to love that suffer Narcissism 

SLike Pepe, someone can exhibit NPD in multiple ways, as there is more than one way to make the world revolve around yourself.  Pepe’s NPD stems from his belief in ideal love, and that he is the ideal lover.  Pepe’s behavior towards his unfortunate amour, Penelope, shows a lack of empathy, as well as an inability to believe that she really does not want to be with him, that comes from his perceived entitlement to her.  He shows arrogant behavior (claiming that he is too attractive) and requires an unrealistic amount of affection (from a stranger!) in order to be happy.

  Queen Grimhilde from Snow white is a textbook narcissist: she’s vain, selfish, and has an inflated sense of self-importance. Someone needs to teach this lady how to age gracefully.

Jafar, the recognizable baddie from Aladdin is a possible example of a either a sociopath OR narcissist! He is extremely cruel, displaying zero empathy when he sacrifices a young boy for the realization of his goals. Jafar is antisocial, with no apparent moral responsibility or sense of conscience. He is charming and manipulative, and ruthless in his attempts to rule the Universe.

 Scar's deep-seated narcissism has him  fiercely devoted to his own thirst for power. He might be aware of the destructive force of his power struggles on those around him but it doesn’t matter to him. As for his tyrannical leadership of the hyena population; Scar is arrogant and demanding and he expects everyone to follow his every whim, something that becomes apparent when he replaces his dead brother as king of the pride.

   Gilroy Lockhart from the Harry Potter series This is the definition of narcissism. Lockhart is hilarious. One of the comical moments from the series is when Lockhart is talking to Harry during his detention and says “Fame is a fickle friend, Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that.” *turn and smile* He goes to such lengths as to fake his fame and risk the deaths of many students just to keep his ego fed.

What is Jean Pirget's Schema theory and how does it effect how we receive information?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzbRpMlEHzM

WHAT IS JEAN PIRGET'S SCHEMA THEORY ? AND HOW DOES IT EFFECT HOW WE RECEIVE MESSAGES? 
This is a 2min demonstration and explains a whole lot about how we receive messages can be distorted by our prior knowledge. While discussing my personal schema with my psychologist, I found this theory really interesting and it explained why I react the way I do in certain circumstances. 

Click on the link and see if this simple explanation                                                                                                                 helps you too!

And the war goes on... the forgotten casualties of the Vietnam war.

By Rose Taylor

Stumbling on air out of fear- swiftly grabbing something..SHHH..ensure to not make a noise.  Tip toeing,  walking on egg shells... but if you cut yourself be sure not to cry.
Be polite,  don't  back chat,  just say 'yes Dad' and 'Sorry'...  I don't  want to set him off.
Be tough,  harden up,  conceal,  for gods sake don't show that you  feel or you will be called weak and told to toughen up.

Coming home from school.... what will I walk into?  Will dad have spent all day harboring anger about something and waiting for me to  accidentally push the imaginary big red button that will set him off and release all his anger aimed at the world right at me- or will he be happy and baking cakes? (Literally)

Welcome to the world of most children of Vietnam veterans.
For me,  I never knew the innocent  pre-war 18yr old that my grandparents spent a long time describing to me as my dad. Apparently,  he didn't  take life very seriously when young,  he was adventurous... and hitch hiked his way around most of Australia to see the sights and learn more than school could teach him in geography or history before his 18th birthday. He used to chase the girlies with much success giving my grandmother heart attacks that she was going to become a  too young. Nona. 

She would explain to me how she was only 16 when she had dad,  so she felt she had grown up along side him &  were best friends more than mother and son before he went to nam... she knew him well... 'better than most parents know their kids'  she would say,  and her reasoning for this was that it is because she was a kid having a kid when he was born, so she spoke to dad like he was her mate and he spoke with the same honestly.... and exaggeration most young men speak with to their mates - so when dad made her a grandmother just before her 35th birthday with my eldest sister (whom I have never met-Charmaine Maree, ) she truthfully wasn't  surprised.. because her son,  whom is now MY dad was an absolute charmer before the Army handed him a 7.62 mm L1A1 Self-Loading Rifle and taught him jungle warfare.
So with this I guess  you can say I was born into a war that had long left the jungle... but was still pumping fearlessly through  my fathers veins which prevented him from being the man my nan 'grew up with'  or the father he had the potential to be... for either  his eldest child... or me!

I have always considered  my self 'the lucky one.'  From what I can tell,  dad had 2 other children prior to me - his eldest daughter whom he was a teen father too and a self confessed dead beat dad towards, and a son named Tahn born to a Vietnamese singer named Wah at a pub he went to when on leave in Saigon but he never stepped up to 'father.' Dad would call me his one and only while being extremely honest about his past as a 'sperm donor.' (Term he coined for himself to describe his lack of contribution to my siblings life)
But the flip side to this is maybe Charmaine and Tahn were the lucky ones growing up?  I mean,  they didn't  have a dad this is true,  but with any luck they had great mums (where as I has a 'egg donor')  and weren't exposed to the demons of the nam war that created my PTSD suffering,  unpredictable father who raised me fearing him. I knew he loved me but boy was there a lot to fear from my 1st breath.

Apart from the trauma of my egg donor,  my childhood memories of dad include him being the savior as he protected me from the 'egg donor'  but on the flip side,  I spent my entire  childhood scared as hell of what dad would do next.
The amount of nights that he ingested more than a case of beer as he self medicated to forget his demons are uncountable,  the amount of trees he punched for no known reason,  bus stop shelters he demolished in a rage also for no reason,  gardens  he dug violently just to release his anger and so on,  and so on are more than I can count.
The amount  of times I was scared  for my life as a passenger in his car  because he was driving with a case or close too it of beer in his system meaning he made risky decisions on the road putting not just us,  but others on the road in danger.

He hardly ever smacked me,  but when he did it sent me flying as he didn't know his strength. He would leave huge  marks so thankfully he stopped resorting to smacking but if I was in trouble,  he was terrifying and there was no 'norm'  or standard as the rules and  markers of expectation changed daily and based on his mood.

I was later abused by him in other ways.. all driven my PTSD and alcoholism... but I couldn't  let go.
He had pushed away all our family and I knew I was all he had... and frankly,  he was all I had.

He had my back and I had his no matter  the abuse stuff.. I was his 'little one' and he was my wild.
This came at a cost though,  I've  suffered anxiety since young,  separation anxiety,  a terrible seance of self identity  and worthlessness as I always felt like I was the slaughter  lamb,  sacrificed to try and balance his mood as needed... and later,  i put my self in the position of 'the sacrifice'  as in, I would take the fall for  others in my life to try and win acceptance and approval. To make others smile or feel loved and  accepted... but I've never really known how to care for me!
I have secondary  PTSD,  I am jumpy,  I  have nightmares,  my body clock is all over the shop, I'm  defensive and ALWAYS ready to go into battle.
I guess it would be fair to say that the war raged through my fathers veins and was passed fresh onto me. I was born into a battlefield with no arms or weapons,  no battalion along side  me and no re-enforcement's that can be sent in to get me out!  Dad left Vietnam,  but he never left the war,  he became the war!

The Australian  government promised and still promises our serviceman that they will be looked after for life as a thanks for serving our country, yet the RSL  and general public absolutely refused to accept or help our nam boys or their families for decades!
My nan lost her son to Vietnam,  his body lived but the person she raised died over there and was never seen again.
My 2 uncles and 1 aunt lost their  brother... they couldn't have a relationship with him because the abuse, the outbursts, the fights were unbearable which cost me a relationship with them.
My sister and my brother never knew their dad...and don't know  about each other,  or that they have a little sister.
My cousins never got to truly know my dad or I because 'it had to be this way.'
My father suffered nightmares,  rage,  anger,  depression,  isolation  and poor health with no access to the mental health help he needed for years.. it only just came in time for dad to be ready for grandparenthood... far to late to help him to be a good parent.
He lived below the poverty line because he worked in mediocre  jobs,  unskilled vocations  after the army as they didn't  release him back in to civilian life with any trade or training that would help him establish a career post infantry service. They didn't  'deprogram'  him,  so he was a soldier without a war,  leaving it raging inside him for life and passing his war legacy onto me.
He couldn't  afford a good education for me,  medical or dental...
Frankly,  the army killed my dad and bought back a bag of skin and set it free on society... and they killed me before I was even born. I didn't have a fighting chance in  hell. This isn't  a poor me story,  this is the reality for thousands of Vietnam vets  and their  families.
There is a generation of broken men with broken children because our government conscripted and  promised  our nam vets the world but delivered nothing.
Because society shunned our dads and called them baby killers,  murders and rapests while throwing  rotten foods and bodily fluids at them upon their returned, this too creating further scars on already scared tissue.

And now our dads are dying,  those that didn't commit suicide  upon return,  are being diagnosed with small cell carcinoma   (an aggressive cancer)  caused by the US government spraying a toxin called 'agent orange' on their physical beings and in their  water supplies for drinking and bathing. More help is now available now than ever  for our men from the DVA to access some of the countries best care for these  illnesses caused by their service inc PSTD but I wonder if it's a all too little too late.
I'm  eternally grateful for the palliative care the DVA arranged for my dad inc the top oncologists and an amazing palliative  hospital... I'm  grateful for all the psychiatrist appts they paid for over the last 15yrs and hospital admissions for mental health into private facilities... but if we treated our ex-serviceman right upon return, I wonder of it would actually save a hell of a lot of long term tax payers dollars over the long run?? 

 If dad got vocational training and a career,  would his overall health have been better?  If they didn't  have to learn they were being lied too by the government of the day  and knew what the hell they were actually fighting for  at the time, would it have made a difference to the long term mental health impairment our dads suffered?
If we acknowledged out veterans when they returned as opposed to waiting 30 years would it have changed things?
Could altering how our fathers were treated and lacking support from discharge have given kids of veterans like me a more stable,  normal up bringing  With less mental health issues?
And why have our government never taken the US to task for spraying the jungle and water supplies with agent orange??  Why have we taken it up the butt from America on this? 
Our men... placed their lives on the line and if it wasn't  the viet-kong who killed them almost instantaneously with a bullet,  it was the god awful American government killing them slowly and painfully like in a torture chamber with the effects of agent orange but no-one is made responsible for all the lives effected by this monumental screw up that has effected upto 3 generations over 40yrs with health issues,  birth defects,  cancers and more. The Australian government  have been held accountable and made to pay out thousands.... but why aren't  we forcing the hand of America to pay for this... after all,  it wasn't us spraying that crap!

And I am scared for mine and my children's generations... the war is still going!!!  Not in a jungle or within battalion's but in our bodies and families and there is next to no support for us.
My mental health is a prime example. It's 100%  caused by the parenting I received by my war vet father. The abuse,  lack of opportunity and poverty effected my life,  my health and my over all well-being. I was born with a mild birth defect as well that my dad had to work 2 jobs to pay off for me to have which  saved my life as a child.
I have ongoing mental health expenses that no-one says ' we are so sorry our negligence caused this... please accept our assistance in covering your expenses as you are suffering this for the rest of your life due to our miss management.'
Counselling is nice, appreciated and I thank our government  and VVCS for it,  but the bill for the psychiatrist's and the meds that I NEED for the rest of my life are not at all remotely covered or discounted. If I need hospitalization due to my mental heath,  I have access  to no assistance to get the care I need. I currently can't  work because of my mental health so I can't  afford private  health cover, the barbaric  act of spraying agent orange killed my dad so I have no family assistance to cover this, I am not eligible for a loan which only leaves me access the the mediocre at best government hospital mental health assistance which lock you up like a criminal and treat you as if your an animal in a cage.. and lets be really honest people,  this WOULD have adverse effects on the mental health of the healthy,  never loan someone asking for help with the knowledge of a real problem!
My inability to work ATM  due to my mental health is DIRECTLY caused by dad and his service yet I am locked out of the private system that COULD help me due to my inability to work AND a government who couldn't  care less about how their decisions have effected multi generational health issues!
What will it be like for my children?  If I can't access assistance,  surely my kids have no hope.
A few scholarships a year for vocational training for grandchildren of vets won't  help them with learning difficulties in their early years,  Asperger and other diagnosis  proven to be linked  to the service of grandparents. we have wasted billions of Australian tax payer money  on last minute  crisis support of our veterans instead of millions on supporting them and their families in the first place... which would have saved the government  from their current 'economic crisis.'
The government will pay me a new start or parenting pension , then a disability  pension if I fight hard enough for it, but for what? To sit on my fat butt for the rest of my life?  But wont HELP me get the right treatment  to get my mental health under control and back to work so instead of costing  the tax payer over the span of my life,  I can get back to working and living a balanced life paying them taxes!
They would make far more money this way! If a child of a Vietnam veteran had a plan to be a contributing member  of society and doing all the right things to achieve this for them selves,  isn't it an investment  to help them get there?
I'm so very lost at the mind set of our government!  And last but not least,  if they held America responsible for the agent orange,  and made them pay for all the effects its had om Australians, it would cost our government far less and may teach America about consequences to their actions. Look at them now!  They aren't  spraying agent orange now but are doing just as deadly and ridiculous things in the current  wars with no regard for the consequences of their actions on yet another generation  of their own and Australian soldiers and their families.
It's  about time we stopped the ridiculous  bi-generational effects of war and armed services... supported our troops and  families and fix  this for the generations to come!

RANT OVER!

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TO YOU HE MAY JUST BE ANOTHER SOLDIER... A DIGGER WHO GREW OLD... BUT THAT'S MY DAD!
HE SUFFERED THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE FOR OUR COUNTRY... HE BATTLED DEMON'S IN HIS HEAD AFTER LOSING HIS SOUL IN NAM.
MY DAD LOST HIS LIFE ON HIS 69TH BIRTHDAY, A GOOD 40 YEARS AFTER LOOSING HIS SOUL IN A FIGHT THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US! THAT GOD DAM WAR STOLE OUR FATHERS, BROTHERS, SON'S, UNCLES AND NEPHEWS ALONG WITH OUR CHANCE OF A QUALITY LIFE...
IT HAS RUINED A COUNTRY AND 3 GENERATIONS ACROSS NUMERIOUS CONTINENTS.... HOW LONG WILL WE STAND IN SILENCE ON THIS?