By Rose Taylor
Stumbling on air out of fear- swiftly grabbing something..SHHH..ensure to not make a noise. Tip toeing, walking on egg shells... but if you cut yourself be sure not to cry.
Be polite, don't back chat, just say 'yes Dad' and 'Sorry'... I don't want to set him off.
Be tough, harden up, conceal, for gods sake don't show that you feel or you will be called weak and told to toughen up.
Coming home from school.... what will I walk into? Will dad have spent all day harboring anger about something and waiting for me to accidentally push the imaginary big red button that will set him off and release all his anger aimed at the world right at me- or will he be happy and baking cakes? (Literally)
Welcome to the world of most children of Vietnam veterans.
For me, I never knew the innocent pre-war 18yr old that my grandparents spent a long time describing to me as my dad. Apparently, he didn't take life very seriously when young, he was adventurous... and hitch hiked his way around most of Australia to see the sights and learn more than school could teach him in geography or history before his 18th birthday. He used to chase the girlies with much success giving my grandmother heart attacks that she was going to become a too young. Nona.
For me, I never knew the innocent pre-war 18yr old that my grandparents spent a long time describing to me as my dad. Apparently, he didn't take life very seriously when young, he was adventurous... and hitch hiked his way around most of Australia to see the sights and learn more than school could teach him in geography or history before his 18th birthday. He used to chase the girlies with much success giving my grandmother heart attacks that she was going to become a too young. Nona.
She would explain to me how she was only 16 when she had dad, so she felt she had grown up along side him & were best friends more than mother and son before he went to nam... she knew him well... 'better than most parents know their kids' she would say, and her reasoning for this was that it is because she was a kid having a kid when he was born, so she spoke to dad like he was her mate and he spoke with the same honestly.... and exaggeration most young men speak with to their mates - so when dad made her a grandmother just before her 35th birthday with my eldest sister (whom I have never met-Charmaine Maree, ) she truthfully wasn't surprised.. because her son, whom is now MY dad was an absolute charmer before the Army handed him a 7.62 mm L1A1 Self-Loading Rifle and taught him jungle warfare.
So with this I guess you can say I was born into a war that had long left the jungle... but was still pumping fearlessly through my fathers veins which prevented him from being the man my nan 'grew up with' or the father he had the potential to be... for either his eldest child... or me!
So with this I guess you can say I was born into a war that had long left the jungle... but was still pumping fearlessly through my fathers veins which prevented him from being the man my nan 'grew up with' or the father he had the potential to be... for either his eldest child... or me!
I have always considered my self 'the lucky one.' From what I can tell, dad had 2 other children prior to me - his eldest daughter whom he was a teen father too and a self confessed dead beat dad towards, and a son named Tahn born to a Vietnamese singer named Wah at a pub he went to when on leave in Saigon but he never stepped up to 'father.' Dad would call me his one and only while being extremely honest about his past as a 'sperm donor.' (Term he coined for himself to describe his lack of contribution to my siblings life)
But the flip side to this is maybe Charmaine and Tahn were the lucky ones growing up? I mean, they didn't have a dad this is true, but with any luck they had great mums (where as I has a 'egg donor') and weren't exposed to the demons of the nam war that created my PTSD suffering, unpredictable father who raised me fearing him. I knew he loved me but boy was there a lot to fear from my 1st breath.
But the flip side to this is maybe Charmaine and Tahn were the lucky ones growing up? I mean, they didn't have a dad this is true, but with any luck they had great mums (where as I has a 'egg donor') and weren't exposed to the demons of the nam war that created my PTSD suffering, unpredictable father who raised me fearing him. I knew he loved me but boy was there a lot to fear from my 1st breath.
Apart from the trauma of my egg donor, my childhood memories of dad include him being the savior as he protected me from the 'egg donor' but on the flip side, I spent my entire childhood scared as hell of what dad would do next.
The amount of nights that he ingested more than a case of beer as he self medicated to forget his demons are uncountable, the amount of trees he punched for no known reason, bus stop shelters he demolished in a rage also for no reason, gardens he dug violently just to release his anger and so on, and so on are more than I can count.
The amount of times I was scared for my life as a passenger in his car because he was driving with a case or close too it of beer in his system meaning he made risky decisions on the road putting not just us, but others on the road in danger.
The amount of nights that he ingested more than a case of beer as he self medicated to forget his demons are uncountable, the amount of trees he punched for no known reason, bus stop shelters he demolished in a rage also for no reason, gardens he dug violently just to release his anger and so on, and so on are more than I can count.
The amount of times I was scared for my life as a passenger in his car because he was driving with a case or close too it of beer in his system meaning he made risky decisions on the road putting not just us, but others on the road in danger.
He hardly ever smacked me, but when he did it sent me flying as he didn't know his strength. He would leave huge marks so thankfully he stopped resorting to smacking but if I was in trouble, he was terrifying and there was no 'norm' or standard as the rules and markers of expectation changed daily and based on his mood.
I was later abused by him in other ways.. all driven my PTSD and alcoholism... but I couldn't let go.
He had pushed away all our family and I knew I was all he had... and frankly, he was all I had.
He had pushed away all our family and I knew I was all he had... and frankly, he was all I had.
He had my back and I had his no matter the abuse stuff.. I was his 'little one' and he was my wild.
This came at a cost though, I've suffered anxiety since young, separation anxiety, a terrible seance of self identity and worthlessness as I always felt like I was the slaughter lamb, sacrificed to try and balance his mood as needed... and later, i put my self in the position of 'the sacrifice' as in, I would take the fall for others in my life to try and win acceptance and approval. To make others smile or feel loved and accepted... but I've never really known how to care for me!
I have secondary PTSD, I am jumpy, I have nightmares, my body clock is all over the shop, I'm defensive and ALWAYS ready to go into battle.
I guess it would be fair to say that the war raged through my fathers veins and was passed fresh onto me. I was born into a battlefield with no arms or weapons, no battalion along side me and no re-enforcement's that can be sent in to get me out! Dad left Vietnam, but he never left the war, he became the war!
This came at a cost though, I've suffered anxiety since young, separation anxiety, a terrible seance of self identity and worthlessness as I always felt like I was the slaughter lamb, sacrificed to try and balance his mood as needed... and later, i put my self in the position of 'the sacrifice' as in, I would take the fall for others in my life to try and win acceptance and approval. To make others smile or feel loved and accepted... but I've never really known how to care for me!
I have secondary PTSD, I am jumpy, I have nightmares, my body clock is all over the shop, I'm defensive and ALWAYS ready to go into battle.
I guess it would be fair to say that the war raged through my fathers veins and was passed fresh onto me. I was born into a battlefield with no arms or weapons, no battalion along side me and no re-enforcement's that can be sent in to get me out! Dad left Vietnam, but he never left the war, he became the war!
The Australian government promised and still promises our serviceman that they will be looked after for life as a thanks for serving our country, yet the RSL and general public absolutely refused to accept or help our nam boys or their families for decades!
My nan lost her son to Vietnam, his body lived but the person she raised died over there and was never seen again.
My 2 uncles and 1 aunt lost their brother... they couldn't have a relationship with him because the abuse, the outbursts, the fights were unbearable which cost me a relationship with them.
My sister and my brother never knew their dad...and don't know about each other, or that they have a little sister.
My cousins never got to truly know my dad or I because 'it had to be this way.'
My father suffered nightmares, rage, anger, depression, isolation and poor health with no access to the mental health help he needed for years.. it only just came in time for dad to be ready for grandparenthood... far to late to help him to be a good parent.
He lived below the poverty line because he worked in mediocre jobs, unskilled vocations after the army as they didn't release him back in to civilian life with any trade or training that would help him establish a career post infantry service. They didn't 'deprogram' him, so he was a soldier without a war, leaving it raging inside him for life and passing his war legacy onto me.
He couldn't afford a good education for me, medical or dental...
Frankly, the army killed my dad and bought back a bag of skin and set it free on society... and they killed me before I was even born. I didn't have a fighting chance in hell. This isn't a poor me story, this is the reality for thousands of Vietnam vets and their families.
There is a generation of broken men with broken children because our government conscripted and promised our nam vets the world but delivered nothing.
Because society shunned our dads and called them baby killers, murders and rapests while throwing rotten foods and bodily fluids at them upon their returned, this too creating further scars on already scared tissue.
My nan lost her son to Vietnam, his body lived but the person she raised died over there and was never seen again.
My 2 uncles and 1 aunt lost their brother... they couldn't have a relationship with him because the abuse, the outbursts, the fights were unbearable which cost me a relationship with them.
My sister and my brother never knew their dad...and don't know about each other, or that they have a little sister.
My cousins never got to truly know my dad or I because 'it had to be this way.'
My father suffered nightmares, rage, anger, depression, isolation and poor health with no access to the mental health help he needed for years.. it only just came in time for dad to be ready for grandparenthood... far to late to help him to be a good parent.
He lived below the poverty line because he worked in mediocre jobs, unskilled vocations after the army as they didn't release him back in to civilian life with any trade or training that would help him establish a career post infantry service. They didn't 'deprogram' him, so he was a soldier without a war, leaving it raging inside him for life and passing his war legacy onto me.
He couldn't afford a good education for me, medical or dental...
Frankly, the army killed my dad and bought back a bag of skin and set it free on society... and they killed me before I was even born. I didn't have a fighting chance in hell. This isn't a poor me story, this is the reality for thousands of Vietnam vets and their families.
There is a generation of broken men with broken children because our government conscripted and promised our nam vets the world but delivered nothing.
Because society shunned our dads and called them baby killers, murders and rapests while throwing rotten foods and bodily fluids at them upon their returned, this too creating further scars on already scared tissue.
And now our dads are dying, those that didn't commit suicide upon return, are being diagnosed with small cell carcinoma (an aggressive cancer) caused by the US government spraying a toxin called 'agent orange' on their physical beings and in their water supplies for drinking and bathing. More help is now available now than ever for our men from the DVA to access some of the countries best care for these illnesses caused by their service inc PSTD but I wonder if it's a all too little too late.
I'm eternally grateful for the palliative care the DVA arranged for my dad inc the top oncologists and an amazing palliative hospital... I'm grateful for all the psychiatrist appts they paid for over the last 15yrs and hospital admissions for mental health into private facilities... but if we treated our ex-serviceman right upon return, I wonder of it would actually save a hell of a lot of long term tax payers dollars over the long run??
I'm eternally grateful for the palliative care the DVA arranged for my dad inc the top oncologists and an amazing palliative hospital... I'm grateful for all the psychiatrist appts they paid for over the last 15yrs and hospital admissions for mental health into private facilities... but if we treated our ex-serviceman right upon return, I wonder of it would actually save a hell of a lot of long term tax payers dollars over the long run??
If dad got vocational training and a career, would his overall health have been better? If they didn't have to learn they were being lied too by the government of the day and knew what the hell they were actually fighting for at the time, would it have made a difference to the long term mental health impairment our dads suffered?
If we acknowledged out veterans when they returned as opposed to waiting 30 years would it have changed things?
Could altering how our fathers were treated and lacking support from discharge have given kids of veterans like me a more stable, normal up bringing With less mental health issues?
And why have our government never taken the US to task for spraying the jungle and water supplies with agent orange?? Why have we taken it up the butt from America on this?
Our men... placed their lives on the line and if it wasn't the viet-kong who killed them almost instantaneously with a bullet, it was the god awful American government killing them slowly and painfully like in a torture chamber with the effects of agent orange but no-one is made responsible for all the lives effected by this monumental screw up that has effected upto 3 generations over 40yrs with health issues, birth defects, cancers and more. The Australian government have been held accountable and made to pay out thousands.... but why aren't we forcing the hand of America to pay for this... after all, it wasn't us spraying that crap!
If we acknowledged out veterans when they returned as opposed to waiting 30 years would it have changed things?
Could altering how our fathers were treated and lacking support from discharge have given kids of veterans like me a more stable, normal up bringing With less mental health issues?
And why have our government never taken the US to task for spraying the jungle and water supplies with agent orange?? Why have we taken it up the butt from America on this?
Our men... placed their lives on the line and if it wasn't the viet-kong who killed them almost instantaneously with a bullet, it was the god awful American government killing them slowly and painfully like in a torture chamber with the effects of agent orange but no-one is made responsible for all the lives effected by this monumental screw up that has effected upto 3 generations over 40yrs with health issues, birth defects, cancers and more. The Australian government have been held accountable and made to pay out thousands.... but why aren't we forcing the hand of America to pay for this... after all, it wasn't us spraying that crap!
And I am scared for mine and my children's generations... the war is still going!!! Not in a jungle or within battalion's but in our bodies and families and there is next to no support for us.
My mental health is a prime example. It's 100% caused by the parenting I received by my war vet father. The abuse, lack of opportunity and poverty effected my life, my health and my over all well-being. I was born with a mild birth defect as well that my dad had to work 2 jobs to pay off for me to have which saved my life as a child.
I have ongoing mental health expenses that no-one says ' we are so sorry our negligence caused this... please accept our assistance in covering your expenses as you are suffering this for the rest of your life due to our miss management.'
Counselling is nice, appreciated and I thank our government and VVCS for it, but the bill for the psychiatrist's and the meds that I NEED for the rest of my life are not at all remotely covered or discounted. If I need hospitalization due to my mental heath, I have access to no assistance to get the care I need. I currently can't work because of my mental health so I can't afford private health cover, the barbaric act of spraying agent orange killed my dad so I have no family assistance to cover this, I am not eligible for a loan which only leaves me access the the mediocre at best government hospital mental health assistance which lock you up like a criminal and treat you as if your an animal in a cage.. and lets be really honest people, this WOULD have adverse effects on the mental health of the healthy, never loan someone asking for help with the knowledge of a real problem!
My inability to work ATM due to my mental health is DIRECTLY caused by dad and his service yet I am locked out of the private system that COULD help me due to my inability to work AND a government who couldn't care less about how their decisions have effected multi generational health issues!
What will it be like for my children? If I can't access assistance, surely my kids have no hope.
A few scholarships a year for vocational training for grandchildren of vets won't help them with learning difficulties in their early years, Asperger and other diagnosis proven to be linked to the service of grandparents. we have wasted billions of Australian tax payer money on last minute crisis support of our veterans instead of millions on supporting them and their families in the first place... which would have saved the government from their current 'economic crisis.'
The government will pay me a new start or parenting pension , then a disability pension if I fight hard enough for it, but for what? To sit on my fat butt for the rest of my life? But wont HELP me get the right treatment to get my mental health under control and back to work so instead of costing the tax payer over the span of my life, I can get back to working and living a balanced life paying them taxes!
They would make far more money this way! If a child of a Vietnam veteran had a plan to be a contributing member of society and doing all the right things to achieve this for them selves, isn't it an investment to help them get there?
I'm so very lost at the mind set of our government! And last but not least, if they held America responsible for the agent orange, and made them pay for all the effects its had om Australians, it would cost our government far less and may teach America about consequences to their actions. Look at them now! They aren't spraying agent orange now but are doing just as deadly and ridiculous things in the current wars with no regard for the consequences of their actions on yet another generation of their own and Australian soldiers and their families.
It's about time we stopped the ridiculous bi-generational effects of war and armed services... supported our troops and families and fix this for the generations to come!
My mental health is a prime example. It's 100% caused by the parenting I received by my war vet father. The abuse, lack of opportunity and poverty effected my life, my health and my over all well-being. I was born with a mild birth defect as well that my dad had to work 2 jobs to pay off for me to have which saved my life as a child.
I have ongoing mental health expenses that no-one says ' we are so sorry our negligence caused this... please accept our assistance in covering your expenses as you are suffering this for the rest of your life due to our miss management.'
Counselling is nice, appreciated and I thank our government and VVCS for it, but the bill for the psychiatrist's and the meds that I NEED for the rest of my life are not at all remotely covered or discounted. If I need hospitalization due to my mental heath, I have access to no assistance to get the care I need. I currently can't work because of my mental health so I can't afford private health cover, the barbaric act of spraying agent orange killed my dad so I have no family assistance to cover this, I am not eligible for a loan which only leaves me access the the mediocre at best government hospital mental health assistance which lock you up like a criminal and treat you as if your an animal in a cage.. and lets be really honest people, this WOULD have adverse effects on the mental health of the healthy, never loan someone asking for help with the knowledge of a real problem!
My inability to work ATM due to my mental health is DIRECTLY caused by dad and his service yet I am locked out of the private system that COULD help me due to my inability to work AND a government who couldn't care less about how their decisions have effected multi generational health issues!
What will it be like for my children? If I can't access assistance, surely my kids have no hope.
A few scholarships a year for vocational training for grandchildren of vets won't help them with learning difficulties in their early years, Asperger and other diagnosis proven to be linked to the service of grandparents. we have wasted billions of Australian tax payer money on last minute crisis support of our veterans instead of millions on supporting them and their families in the first place... which would have saved the government from their current 'economic crisis.'
The government will pay me a new start or parenting pension , then a disability pension if I fight hard enough for it, but for what? To sit on my fat butt for the rest of my life? But wont HELP me get the right treatment to get my mental health under control and back to work so instead of costing the tax payer over the span of my life, I can get back to working and living a balanced life paying them taxes!
They would make far more money this way! If a child of a Vietnam veteran had a plan to be a contributing member of society and doing all the right things to achieve this for them selves, isn't it an investment to help them get there?
I'm so very lost at the mind set of our government! And last but not least, if they held America responsible for the agent orange, and made them pay for all the effects its had om Australians, it would cost our government far less and may teach America about consequences to their actions. Look at them now! They aren't spraying agent orange now but are doing just as deadly and ridiculous things in the current wars with no regard for the consequences of their actions on yet another generation of their own and Australian soldiers and their families.
It's about time we stopped the ridiculous bi-generational effects of war and armed services... supported our troops and families and fix this for the generations to come!
RANT OVER!
click on the follow button below so you never miss a crazy (but honest) rant from this mental mumma in heels!
TO YOU HE MAY JUST BE ANOTHER SOLDIER... A DIGGER WHO GREW OLD... BUT THAT'S MY DAD!
HE SUFFERED THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE FOR OUR COUNTRY... HE BATTLED DEMON'S IN HIS HEAD AFTER LOSING HIS SOUL IN NAM.
MY DAD LOST HIS LIFE ON HIS 69TH BIRTHDAY, A GOOD 40 YEARS AFTER LOOSING HIS SOUL IN A FIGHT THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US! THAT GOD DAM WAR STOLE OUR FATHERS, BROTHERS, SON'S, UNCLES AND NEPHEWS ALONG WITH OUR CHANCE OF A QUALITY LIFE...
IT HAS RUINED A COUNTRY AND 3 GENERATIONS ACROSS NUMERIOUS CONTINENTS.... HOW LONG WILL WE STAND IN SILENCE ON THIS?
click on the follow button below so you never miss a crazy (but honest) rant from this mental mumma in heels!
HE SUFFERED THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE FOR OUR COUNTRY... HE BATTLED DEMON'S IN HIS HEAD AFTER LOSING HIS SOUL IN NAM.
MY DAD LOST HIS LIFE ON HIS 69TH BIRTHDAY, A GOOD 40 YEARS AFTER LOOSING HIS SOUL IN A FIGHT THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US! THAT GOD DAM WAR STOLE OUR FATHERS, BROTHERS, SON'S, UNCLES AND NEPHEWS ALONG WITH OUR CHANCE OF A QUALITY LIFE...
IT HAS RUINED A COUNTRY AND 3 GENERATIONS ACROSS NUMERIOUS CONTINENTS.... HOW LONG WILL WE STAND IN SILENCE ON THIS?
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