Have you ever looked back on your week, month or year and
just have no words? If so, you have an idea on how this week has been. The week
seemed to have flown by and I’ve had just about every emotion but on the up
side… I’m in one piece and survived.
I’ve accomplished a few goals but none of them were easy. I
soldiered through each of those tasks but would be sooo emotionally exhausted by
the end of the day. On the upside, being so emotionally exhausted has meant I have
been in bed by 1030pm at night and I’ve
been getting adequate sleep.
I stated the week by spending my Monday at RMS. I achieved
the goal of transferring the car from dad’s name into mine and re-registering.
It was quite the process though to be honest. I couldn’t do the green slip
until the rego was in my name, but I couldn’t register the car until I had a
green slip. After a few circles and admittedly a few tears at the RMS, I got
the car registered. (big tick for me!) I did however look like a complete tool
when the customer service assistant at the RMS asks not just “what’s your father’s
date of birth” but goes on to ask his date of death and follows that up with “oh..
he died on his birthday- how freaky is that circle of life!” I couldn’t fight
the tears any more. Now, of cause I’m not talking about an all-out boo-hooing
but I couldn’t hold the tears as they ran like waterfalls from my eyes leaving me
having too quickly pat them dry without too many people noticing. On a complete
flip note, I came across a great guy when I went into QBE… He was really
sensitive and didn’t ask ridiculous questions, he just took the paperwork and
looked up the info he needed from the death certificate and will. Without any
further questions he looked up from the computer and smiled at me then said ‘are
you an only child?’ I nodded yes- so he grinned. He explained he is also an
only child and went through something similar 3yrs ago when his mum died. He
reached over the counter and patted my shoulder. For the first time in a long
time, I just witnessed a genuinely caring stranger. As a society we have lost that ability to
care about anyone outside our selves or families but this guy was absolutely on
point. You could see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch as he patted me…
Although I will probably never see this guy again, he gave me some faith back
in humanity. He honestly made the process a little more bearable. I have known for a few weeks now that I have
to ‘undadify’ everything and start to deal with all the things I have from him
on my ‘to do list’ but it really isn’t easy guys. Anyone thinking I’m a screw
ball or ‘weak’ really needs to swallow their words and wait and see how you
deal with the mess at your feet when your parents die… THEN do it all
unsupported! No one in my world has the slightest clue. My partner looks at me
weird and doesn’t get it… In saying that, both his parents are alive. My
friends are all in that same category. I knew my best bet was to sleep those
emotions off and save my breath talking about them.
Tuesday was all about girly time with both my girls…. You know..
hair and makeup play and allowing them time for my girls to bond as sisters.
Wednesday I finally took the steps to remove all dads’ veteran stickers off the
car and begun ordering stickers that are more me. Normally I would argue that
cars don’t need stickers… but I need to change my mindset over the car and so
ordering stickers that are more ‘ME’ will hopefully help change the feel of it.
I then also bought a steering wheel cover, cleaned the car out and bought a
phone holder. The energy around the car
seems to have shifted and I’m dealing better but the process of taking the
stickers off was a little hard. I know what they meant to dad. They were apart of him identifying and
accepting his service in nam. He was shunned for his service in the army… all
the nam boys were BUT a part of his healing was accepting. Part of him seeing himself
as something other than an alcoholic and rapist… It was important to him… but
it’s time to turn the focus off him… His spot light has gone out… His not here.
Time to focus on me!
As I took off the stickers from the car, there was a ‘wooshing’
noise that went past my right ear. It was as if a bird swept past but realllll
close. I looked for what it could have been but saw nothing either in the air
or ground. Was it dad’s spirit unhappy with me? That evening as I cooked dinner
I got a message under the photo I put up of dad in a medium group I’m in yet again
from Catherine- A English medium. She sais dad stopped in to tell her he was
with me over the last few days on my right side as I dealt with his
affairs. I can’t help but feel these
points of contact through Catherine aren’t random. For 5mths straight and
usually on the 8th of each month I get a message from dad via her….
I got an extra message after I transferred the car and change things around
with it. I have booked myself into see a local physic medium. I figure that IF
there is anything to this after life/spiritual stuff I need to let dad talk to
me and say whatever it is he needs to say so we can BOTH move on. I don’t mean
forget him…. I will always love him beyond all words, but these messages need
to calm down. I like the thought that his always with me…. To hear his voice or
feel his touch but that leaves room for interoperation….the monthly messages
seem a bit much to process. Their undeniable, in black and white and one of my
quirks is that I stew over the written word. It feels so concrete to me. I’m
just waiting on an email to confirm the apt with the medium. I am hoping… that if there is anything to
this medium stuff, that also the egg donor’s mother come through. I miss my nan so much but I don’t get any
paranormal activity from her yet my kids and I are her only living descendants.
There is really only 2 more goals to achieve in finalizing dad’s stuff. One is
emptying out his hospital bag and the other is to out his ashes in the ground.
I’ve booked in the placement of his ashes. I am doing this alone on the 20th
of July. Why alone? The hubby needs to be up here for my boys who have school
and I honestly don’t want my littlies to see me emotional. Miss 12 doesn’t want
to go, It’s too much for her. My uncle David said he ‘MIGHT’ be able to come
pending work…. SO…. It looks like it may well be just me. Joy! This is why
having siblings and extended family is so important. NO ONE should have to do
the shit I have to do alone. It is the most isolating feeling in the world. I
sometimes feel like I’m in an ice prison. It’s so cold… chilling to ones soul
to not just physically but emotionally be alone. It’s this feeling that usually
ends up sending me over the edge to suicidal tendencies. I’m going to be
mentally preparing myself for putting dad’s body to rest over the next 2 weeks
to try and prevent myself from falling down that rabbit hole. I don’t want to
feel that way…. Ever again to be honest and I know… I need to emotionally learn
to stand alone and be comfortable in that loneliness…. A gift I give my
children is the need to NEVER feel this soul aching loneliness I have… as they
will ALWAYS have each other.
While having miss 12 home, she has had some great news. She received
a call from my mother figure to resolve the ‘what to call her’ debate. They have apparently settled on ‘Grandma.’
Miss 12 Is ecstatic so I couldn’t ask for a better outcome. This convo bought a
lot of smiles to miss 12. To hear someone other than me say they are proud of
her… even if her wins are small but meaningful to her. Miss 12’s only other
living grandparents really don’t care…. They talk over her and over shadow her
wins with their own experiences. You can’t compare schooling from 35+yrs ago to
today or a public school from then to the education miss 12 is receiving NOW NOR
can you (or should an adult) over power a child’s happiness by cutting them off
with their own personal and recent wins. Why they can’t hear miss 12 out THEN
tell her what is happening in their world I don’t know. Cutting her off to talk
self-absorbed stuff is so childlike of them. She never feels like her paternal
grandparents care or hear her out which is so sad! Of cause she wants to hear
what’s new for them… but not over the top of her… which is just common curtesy
really… you don’t talk over another adult so why would you do that to a child?
I’ll never understand my MIL!
Apparently the mother figure told miss 12 that she is just
like her… this made her day! I haven’t seen her so happy in so long. (happy
yes.. but feel like she relates and belongs… not so much!) When Miss 12 told me
about her higher achievement academic award in art at the end of term assembly,
I asked her if I was raising a little version of her ‘aunt’ (aka-Grandma) and
she giggled and said “Maybe” so to have her say it herself to miss 12 I think
really ‘hit the spot.’. I tend to think that like me, she has found a place of
belonging with that family. I’m glad this happened while she is still young. This
will allow her to grow without a focus on a lack of belonging or acceptance.
She knows the truth of where our family came from but also knows she doesn’t belong
there and has identified where she can find that sense of belonging which will
mean she can grow and develop without a focus of a lack of identification and
essence of self-worth. To think all that can come in the form of a ‘name.’ HaHa.
Now miss 12 is trying to hit me up for asking her ‘Grandma’s’ husband if she
can call him a grandparent term but honestly, for the second time I shut this
down. This was enough of a shift for a while… I don’t think either I or them
can deal with that process again for a while. Haha. More on that topic… I had a
moment of insanity this week. HOLY! I’m so embarrassed and NEVER will I tell
that family what I did, but I saw an add for adoption lawyers in Sydney while
doing some research for my diploma and found myself emailing them…. Find the
facepalming and embarrassing email below.
‘Hi there. I’m just inquiring at this
point. I am now 33 and married however, I was a state ward between the years
1996-2000. I was never settled into a 'home' however, a teacher I encountered took
special interest and has been the mother figure in my life since said point In
time and her family subsequently the only family I'd had. I believe she was
noted on my DOCS file as an ‘advocate.’
Both my natural parents are now deceased
and the idea of formally becoming the child of that teacher and her husband has
been a prominent one in my mind. In saying this, I do not want any claim over any money, assets or other from their estate and would
like to ensure their natural children’s rights were protected in the case of
adoption as my interest is not at all motivated by financial gain either now or
in the future but rather just solidify our relationship.
Is adult adoption an option at all to us
considering the circumstances and if so, would it be possible to have a clause
included that clearly states that I am to receive NO financial gain from the
adoption?
If so, it would be great if you would
kindly forward me any and all information that would be relevant.
Kind regards.
Rose.’
Don’t ask me what
went through my brain. I’m actually so ashamed of writing this email and haven’t
opened the reply from the solicitor. I would be KILLED if the family involved
found out about it so I’m just going to pretend it never happened. What the
hell is wrong with me!!!! I just want to
scream at myself to GROW THE F# UP sometimes.
When does our
brain develop enough to stand alone and stop being so gad dam needy? Why do we ‘need’
parents in adulthood? For god sake.. this is ridiculous! I’m such a freaking
fool! I actually and completely HATE who I am on the inside.. I hate me sooo
much! I really need to take far more
control of my thoughts and actions. I feel this may be my next focus on
personal development.. I think this is important to work on and PRONTO!
I’m going to end
this blog post here for the week and let you guys get back to your own lives
but hopefully you all got a good laugh at my stupidity. I have a psychiatrist
apt this coming week and clearly I have a lot to go over with her. I need to prepare
myself for putting dad’s ashes to rest and tell her, the only person I can
trust on this type of issue, the utter stupidity I engaged in this week.
Till next time
peeps.
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