Diary entry 20/05/16

Since mother's  day - and my daughter's touching edition to the day (asking the woman I call mum as she 'mothered' me)  for permission to call her granni,  mum has come to me and expressed that in heinsight, she thinks my daughter should choose a grand parent term important to her insted of the term her biological grandchildren use.
As nicely as this was said - to me,  it felt like my daughter was going to be made to feel 'different'  or not good enough because she lucked out in the gene pool... something neither my daughter or I can help. I didn't  say much... except it was a convo that mum needed to have with miss 12 but the more I think about it.. common sence prevails. I know the importance of that grandparent terminology in their family and the centiment behind it and I too begin to question if my daughter has the right to use it. Would it be a privledge if the answer was yes?  100% and that is because i know it's  significance but I compleatly understand the reason for a no. What does this realization mean?  It means I need to talk to mum,  face to face and i guess tell her this. I also feel I need to tell her that miss 12 wasn't  asking her to take on yet another reaponsibility. YES.... she would be open to it,  but it's not an expectation. She just feels that she finally found a place (outside her father and I)  where she feels understood,  respected for who she is,  loved. This is a massive deal to her....she see's for her self why I call her mum and wants to honnor her with a title fitting also. In further discussions i learned that miss 12 also wants to find a title that suits mums husband... a grandparent title but she doesn't  want to disrespect my late father by using that title. With all the emotion around the granni situation, i have told miss 12 to hold out on the grandfather title... it's probably all too much at this point in time. My problem is, I
Know that I have far more to loose in approaching this.... Mum could just pull the pin on my daughter and I  all together all because i pushed a point which would mean I have screwed up more than my own life ... but that of my child. Can you hear an anxiety attack coming on?  If so... your spot on. I have had 5 or 6 episodes where I start shaking,  then it becomes hard to breath... then bursting out in uncontrolable crying fits  between sunday and monday. I wish I could fast forward till after this convo and be past it all ready. Sitting on it is driving me round the bend.

Still on the topic of miss 12,  she recently bought to me how much she wants a relationship with her paternal grandmother and infact always has... but in recent months,  her grandmother took her to the easter show with a group of other elderly woman and was show ponying miss 12 off for her recent academic achievements. This hurt miss 12 as she thought her grandmother was actually  starting to make an effort... it was the 1st time she has ever seen her grandmother without it being at a party and the 1st time her grandmother had ever taken her out... but insted she made miss 12 feel her grandmother was only interested in her now  because she did something that my mother in law can use to make her self look good.  Infact,  miss 12's comment was 'what if I was dumb mum... nan wouldn't have ever noticed me. She just doesn't  care about  me at all,  only how good I make her look. She was soooo embarrissing at my school when she picked me up,  she was embarrissing at the show. I can't  relate to her and I'm  just so  embarrissed. She doesn't get me, we have nothing in common.  I mean, she just doesn't know me! I don't want her coming to my school to pick me up ever again. She was telling everyone she had a doctorate while making a fool of herself to my teachers who actually ARE doctors in their subject. I wanted to crawl in a hole and disapear. It was seriously the worst. Why can't she just be normal? I want to keep trying with her but please,  please don't let her come back to school.. she was the laughing stock for days. Can you some how tell her I just can't  see her when I'm  at school?  I don't ever want to feel so humiliated ever again. ' 
I wish I could talk to my dad about this. That family is the only biological family my kids have left. If I approach this the wrong way it could really back fire. I mean,  my mother in law and I are from 2 different planets. The sight of her makes me angry at the best of times and the utter crap that falls out of her mouth is insulting to everyone around her's intelligence at best... but I never speak poorly of her to my children because I truly believe they deserve biologocal family but... when the 12yr olds noticing her grandmother's lack of interest,  feels no rapport with her,  is highly embarrissed.... disconnected... I feel I need to support her  BUT in a way that leaves the door open for her and her grandmother for the future. Tough call right!

On a compleatly different note,  this week I have upped my Pristique to try and control  the anxiety  that has been  consuming me for weeks. I mean,  to give you an example,  It had been 3 weeks since I had opened my email because I knew there would be people contacting me for money... money I don't have after my last hypomania episode that put me in $800  debt ontop of debt to my daughters violin teacher and so on. 
Within 3 days of upping  the pristique to 100mg I'm  feeling more stable. I left the house ALONE 2ce this week and went to town. I picked my boys up from school insted of the bus stop. Walking into the busy school... infact just thinking about it made me feel ill .. but this week I managed it. Interestingly,  when I'm  in Sydney,  i have no anxiety about going out alone but in our small town... mmmm.... that has been hard since dad died... but further more,  I did a 3hrs canteen shift at the boys school Thursday without a hint of anxiety AND managed a second shopping trip alone... and actually enjoyed it. I loveddd being out alone and buying clothes for my kids. I felt so free.  driving home along the coast line at 100kms made me feel invinsable... free like a bird. I  could have driven and driven till I ran out of fuel. It was the best feeling I've had in sooo long!

Another trend I have noticed is that I am ALWAYS tired spot on 3pm. I mean more than tired!  Any mums out there will relate, you know the tired you get while pregnant... absoloutly exausted -  that's  what I'm  talking!!  Then if I am not in bed by 10pm,  11 comes around and good luck going to sleep before 2am!  Its like I'm  peeking from 11pm-2am so this week I am going back to being religious about the 10pm bed time no matter what is on my 'to do'  list!  Now if I could just find away to avoid the 3pm stall I may be back ontop of things!
I'm  not as strong as I was post dad dying but this week I feel I'm  on the way!

Question... has anyone come across hyper-sexuality with bipolar? This week I've  been more horny then a ovuating crack whore at midnight on the cross!  It's  rediculious!  I'm  driving my partner crazy and having adultery thoughts which of cause I'm fighting to keep a lid on  but waaa.... who the hell am I? 

That's  me for now guys.
Peace out!

Journal entry 16/05/16

So... it's been a long 6 weeks post diognosis. The first 2 weeks on Lamictol, I felt compleatly numb, no emotion until I had a complete emotional break down and felt every small thing. It was as if everyone's words were daggers to my heart for the day. I then seemed to ballance out from there for the following two weeks and functioned as i had post diognosis...HOWEVER,  I ended up in a situation where my partner quite TAFE 6 weeks out of graduating  with no communication with me,  no regard for my children or I and all our hopes of moving to the central coast of NSW by the end of the year slipped away. I then felt my anxiety peek. I didn't want to get out of bed,  never loan leave the house. I became anxious about checking emails,  driving a car etc and slept at every available opportunity for 2 days before I got a call from the family I sort of chose for my self asking for help as they had a serious crisis and they needed to stay a while with me. I tried my hardest to pull my self together while they were here but found pushing down my own emotion left me feeling suicidal. I couldn't  tell my  'mum' (you will hear me refur to a longggg time friend as mum... she is my mother in my heart but she is not who gave birth to me)  because she was eye-balls deep in crisis of her own so I had to remain strong for her (despite her warm words and hug being all I craved) and the family I had staying here. I couldn't show weakness but was dying on the inside. 'I'm  the best I've ever been'  I told my mum lying compleatly out my butt!
I kept telling myself that it would be selfish if I acted on anything while I had family staying here,  it would traumatize them for life if I disapeared into the bush never to be seen again while they were staying here. They would blame them selves... just hold on,  just hold on i kept telling my self.. and praying. I prayed to God and Mary AND my dad for strength for me,  and for my family to get through all that was going on but in the real world and in my head.
Having something to hold on for was the best thing that could have happened as these urges to self harm did go away.. . But when I drove to Sydney for mothers day, I was having anxiety attacks while driving in Sydney traffic. My chest felt like it was caving,  my hands shook,  breathing became hard... I wanted to go to bed and cry.... but had to be strong,  yet again,  I had to appear I was ontop of life to spare mum... this was not the time for me to be weak... this is when she needed me the most and I needed to be a support to her and not yet another drain of her emotions and energy... and I am dam proud of how well I held it all together!

I ended up having the best mothers day I could have asked for. I got to see one of my children whom I hadn't seen in a few weeks,  my 'sister' (not by blood)  spoilt me so my chidren had gifts to give me, I could see I actually touched mums heart with my gift (which means the world to me to know I could do that... that I touched her heart and maybe... just maybe I  finally showed her how special she is to me.. blood or no blood... she IS my mum)  and my daughter asked her for premission to call her Granni just like I chose to call her mum.. because that's  how she loves which was sooo over whelming. I struggled to drive back to the north coast feeling my anxiety peeking but again having to control it.
I spent the entirity of monday in bed just trying to bring my self back to a level playing field... turned my phone off... I needed time out from the world.
I ended up upping calling my paychiatrist on the tuesday and he upped my lamictol to 75mg a day which DID leveled out those emotions (Thank god.)

I still miss my dad every day. The one thing I don't like about the lamictol,  is before I got this bipolar diognosis I would hear my dad answer my prayers when I was praying at night. Not a whole conversation but... he would comment. Things like 'that's heavy'  or 'is that all it takes!'  Now... i don't  hear my dads voice at all.
I also don't get the dreams -  good or bad about him. I used to dream of the abuse as a child,  i used to dream of him dying in all different ways,  i drempt he faked his death but I also drempt of good times with him also...but i no longer  see him in my dreams at all. His just a memory. A memory that leave me lost. Without him I have no extended biological family...and as much as I absoloutly adore the mum I chose... her husband and children... they can't  love me like a parent loves a child... because we don't share blood,  because they never rocked me to sleep as a baby or put a band-aid on my boo-boo's. They never had to break up fights  between me and their kids.. because I wasn't  there,  the kids and I haven't experienced leeding each other into trouble,  dobbing and slumber parties. We don't  have that history... and I have far more to loose in this relationship to them. They all have each other... stuck if you will, wether they like it or not,  but there is absoloutly no reason why they should stand by me. If i push to hard they can walk.... they're not obligated... so I know I must be... and I am eternally greatful for what I do get from them. I honestly know I wouldn't  be here without them. They're the sole reason I haven't  ended life... but I am still lost... because  since dad's  dealth,  I will for ever actually belong no where... and that's the hardest pill to swollow!