So... it's been a long 6 weeks post diognosis. The first 2 weeks on Lamictol, I felt compleatly numb, no emotion until I had a complete emotional break down and felt every small thing. It was as if everyone's words were daggers to my heart for the day. I then seemed to ballance out from there for the following two weeks and functioned as i had post diognosis...HOWEVER, I ended up in a situation where my partner quite TAFE 6 weeks out of graduating with no communication with me, no regard for my children or I and all our hopes of moving to the central coast of NSW by the end of the year slipped away. I then felt my anxiety peek. I didn't want to get out of bed, never loan leave the house. I became anxious about checking emails, driving a car etc and slept at every available opportunity for 2 days before I got a call from the family I sort of chose for my self asking for help as they had a serious crisis and they needed to stay a while with me. I tried my hardest to pull my self together while they were here but found pushing down my own emotion left me feeling suicidal. I couldn't tell my 'mum' (you will hear me refur to a longggg time friend as mum... she is my mother in my heart but she is not who gave birth to me) because she was eye-balls deep in crisis of her own so I had to remain strong for her (despite her warm words and hug being all I craved) and the family I had staying here. I couldn't show weakness but was dying on the inside. 'I'm the best I've ever been' I told my mum lying compleatly out my butt!
I kept telling myself that it would be selfish if I acted on anything while I had family staying here, it would traumatize them for life if I disapeared into the bush never to be seen again while they were staying here. They would blame them selves... just hold on, just hold on i kept telling my self.. and praying. I prayed to God and Mary AND my dad for strength for me, and for my family to get through all that was going on but in the real world and in my head.
Having something to hold on for was the best thing that could have happened as these urges to self harm did go away.. . But when I drove to Sydney for mothers day, I was having anxiety attacks while driving in Sydney traffic. My chest felt like it was caving, my hands shook, breathing became hard... I wanted to go to bed and cry.... but had to be strong, yet again, I had to appear I was ontop of life to spare mum... this was not the time for me to be weak... this is when she needed me the most and I needed to be a support to her and not yet another drain of her emotions and energy... and I am dam proud of how well I held it all together!
I ended up having the best mothers day I could have asked for. I got to see one of my children whom I hadn't seen in a few weeks, my 'sister' (not by blood) spoilt me so my chidren had gifts to give me, I could see I actually touched mums heart with my gift (which means the world to me to know I could do that... that I touched her heart and maybe... just maybe I finally showed her how special she is to me.. blood or no blood... she IS my mum) and my daughter asked her for premission to call her Granni just like I chose to call her mum.. because that's how she loves which was sooo over whelming. I struggled to drive back to the north coast feeling my anxiety peeking but again having to control it.
I spent the entirity of monday in bed just trying to bring my self back to a level playing field... turned my phone off... I needed time out from the world.
I ended up upping calling my paychiatrist on the tuesday and he upped my lamictol to 75mg a day which DID leveled out those emotions (Thank god.)
I still miss my dad every day. The one thing I don't like about the lamictol, is before I got this bipolar diognosis I would hear my dad answer my prayers when I was praying at night. Not a whole conversation but... he would comment. Things like 'that's heavy' or 'is that all it takes!' Now... i don't hear my dads voice at all.
I also don't get the dreams - good or bad about him. I used to dream of the abuse as a child, i used to dream of him dying in all different ways, i drempt he faked his death but I also drempt of good times with him also...but i no longer see him in my dreams at all. His just a memory. A memory that leave me lost. Without him I have no extended biological family...and as much as I absoloutly adore the mum I chose... her husband and children... they can't love me like a parent loves a child... because we don't share blood, because they never rocked me to sleep as a baby or put a band-aid on my boo-boo's. They never had to break up fights between me and their kids.. because I wasn't there, the kids and I haven't experienced leeding each other into trouble, dobbing and slumber parties. We don't have that history... and I have far more to loose in this relationship to them. They all have each other... stuck if you will, wether they like it or not, but there is absoloutly no reason why they should stand by me. If i push to hard they can walk.... they're not obligated... so I know I must be... and I am eternally greatful for what I do get from them. I honestly know I wouldn't be here without them. They're the sole reason I haven't ended life... but I am still lost... because since dad's dealth, I will for ever actually belong no where... and that's the hardest pill to swollow!
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