Since mother's day - and my daughter's touching edition to the day (asking the woman I call mum as she 'mothered' me) for permission to call her granni, mum has come to me and expressed that in heinsight, she thinks my daughter should choose a grand parent term important to her insted of the term her biological grandchildren use.
As nicely as this was said - to me, it felt like my daughter was going to be made to feel 'different' or not good enough because she lucked out in the gene pool... something neither my daughter or I can help. I didn't say much... except it was a convo that mum needed to have with miss 12 but the more I think about it.. common sence prevails. I know the importance of that grandparent terminology in their family and the centiment behind it and I too begin to question if my daughter has the right to use it. Would it be a privledge if the answer was yes? 100% and that is because i know it's significance but I compleatly understand the reason for a no. What does this realization mean? It means I need to talk to mum, face to face and i guess tell her this. I also feel I need to tell her that miss 12 wasn't asking her to take on yet another reaponsibility. YES.... she would be open to it, but it's not an expectation. She just feels that she finally found a place (outside her father and I) where she feels understood, respected for who she is, loved. This is a massive deal to her....she see's for her self why I call her mum and wants to honnor her with a title fitting also. In further discussions i learned that miss 12 also wants to find a title that suits mums husband... a grandparent title but she doesn't want to disrespect my late father by using that title. With all the emotion around the granni situation, i have told miss 12 to hold out on the grandfather title... it's probably all too much at this point in time. My problem is, I
Know that I have far more to loose in approaching this.... Mum could just pull the pin on my daughter and I all together all because i pushed a point which would mean I have screwed up more than my own life ... but that of my child. Can you hear an anxiety attack coming on? If so... your spot on. I have had 5 or 6 episodes where I start shaking, then it becomes hard to breath... then bursting out in uncontrolable crying fits between sunday and monday. I wish I could fast forward till after this convo and be past it all ready. Sitting on it is driving me round the bend.
Still on the topic of miss 12, she recently bought to me how much she wants a relationship with her paternal grandmother and infact always has... but in recent months, her grandmother took her to the easter show with a group of other elderly woman and was show ponying miss 12 off for her recent academic achievements. This hurt miss 12 as she thought her grandmother was actually starting to make an effort... it was the 1st time she has ever seen her grandmother without it being at a party and the 1st time her grandmother had ever taken her out... but insted she made miss 12 feel her grandmother was only interested in her now because she did something that my mother in law can use to make her self look good. Infact, miss 12's comment was 'what if I was dumb mum... nan wouldn't have ever noticed me. She just doesn't care about me at all, only how good I make her look. She was soooo embarrissing at my school when she picked me up, she was embarrissing at the show. I can't relate to her and I'm just so embarrissed. She doesn't get me, we have nothing in common. I mean, she just doesn't know me! I don't want her coming to my school to pick me up ever again. She was telling everyone she had a doctorate while making a fool of herself to my teachers who actually ARE doctors in their subject. I wanted to crawl in a hole and disapear. It was seriously the worst. Why can't she just be normal? I want to keep trying with her but please, please don't let her come back to school.. she was the laughing stock for days. Can you some how tell her I just can't see her when I'm at school? I don't ever want to feel so humiliated ever again. '
I wish I could talk to my dad about this. That family is the only biological family my kids have left. If I approach this the wrong way it could really back fire. I mean, my mother in law and I are from 2 different planets. The sight of her makes me angry at the best of times and the utter crap that falls out of her mouth is insulting to everyone around her's intelligence at best... but I never speak poorly of her to my children because I truly believe they deserve biologocal family but... when the 12yr olds noticing her grandmother's lack of interest, feels no rapport with her, is highly embarrissed.... disconnected... I feel I need to support her BUT in a way that leaves the door open for her and her grandmother for the future. Tough call right!
On a compleatly different note, this week I have upped my Pristique to try and control the anxiety that has been consuming me for weeks. I mean, to give you an example, It had been 3 weeks since I had opened my email because I knew there would be people contacting me for money... money I don't have after my last hypomania episode that put me in $800 debt ontop of debt to my daughters violin teacher and so on.
Within 3 days of upping the pristique to 100mg I'm feeling more stable. I left the house ALONE 2ce this week and went to town. I picked my boys up from school insted of the bus stop. Walking into the busy school... infact just thinking about it made me feel ill .. but this week I managed it. Interestingly, when I'm in Sydney, i have no anxiety about going out alone but in our small town... mmmm.... that has been hard since dad died... but further more, I did a 3hrs canteen shift at the boys school Thursday without a hint of anxiety AND managed a second shopping trip alone... and actually enjoyed it. I loveddd being out alone and buying clothes for my kids. I felt so free. driving home along the coast line at 100kms made me feel invinsable... free like a bird. I could have driven and driven till I ran out of fuel. It was the best feeling I've had in sooo long!
Another trend I have noticed is that I am ALWAYS tired spot on 3pm. I mean more than tired! Any mums out there will relate, you know the tired you get while pregnant... absoloutly exausted - that's what I'm talking!! Then if I am not in bed by 10pm, 11 comes around and good luck going to sleep before 2am! Its like I'm peeking from 11pm-2am so this week I am going back to being religious about the 10pm bed time no matter what is on my 'to do' list! Now if I could just find away to avoid the 3pm stall I may be back ontop of things!
I'm not as strong as I was post dad dying but this week I feel I'm on the way!
Question... has anyone come across hyper-sexuality with bipolar? This week I've been more horny then a ovuating crack whore at midnight on the cross! It's rediculious! I'm driving my partner crazy and having adultery thoughts which of cause I'm fighting to keep a lid on but waaa.... who the hell am I?
That's me for now guys.
Peace out!
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