Hey guys, I thought I should make my first post a intro....sooo here we go.
My name is Rose and I'm a mother ( of 4) and a coffee lover. Previously an Australian Sydney girl but now on the NSW north coast.
My life as a child was full of turmoil, BUT for the past 13yrs it has been stable. I have great kids, a house, a car, a decent standard of living, great friends and best of all STABILITY. This was until recently of cause.
I'm the daughter of a man who was an Australian Vietnam veteran who suffered alcholism and PTSD and a woman who was skitzophranic and wiped her hands of me before my teen years rolled around. In the early 2000's, dad and I really made a menes and built a friendship. He spent years getting help for his issues.. and continued to do so after we reunited. We became close. He would call just to see how I am, he walked me down the isle when I married, he was there within hours after I gave birth to each child and was the first to respond when I cardiac arrested.... But he did live 5hrs away.
When I gave birth to my eldest child, he made a promise to that little bundle of blankets that he would get it right this time.... and he did... all 4 of my children absolutely adore him but a day came in 2013 when he called me to say 'good bye' as he intended to commit suicide, he couldn't fight the demons any more. I kept him on the phone while I jumped in the car and did the 5hr drive from Sydney to the north coast to get him back into one of the best mental health hospitals for PTSD, that being St John of God in Richmond. After 3mths in hospital, his psychiatrists would not release him back to his isolated home on the coast and assisted him to find a retirement village in Sydney closer to help.. but of cause this meant he had to sell the house on the coast. It was listed for months for $315,000 but not one looker and why would they? The property is 45minutes from schools, shops, amenities etc and 2hrs from the nearest hospital. The roads are dirt tracks and it is rather secluded... but I decided to purchase it from my father. It would mean I could get into the buyers market and helps dad out.
A year into living at the coastal property, I got a call from Hornsby/ Ku-ri-ngi hospital telling me my father has been admitted and isn't doing so well. As his only child, I raced to Sydney to be by his side and it is while he was there that we got the diagnosis that he had stage 4 small cell cancer. This news ripped me apart, I knew I was loosing my father, my friend, my abuser and he knew he was loosing life. I came to Sydney to take him to all his chemotherapy appts, I met with oncologists, veteran case workers, pastoral carers and a whole list of people... and I helped facilitate dad spending as much time with the lights of his life - his grand children.... He was stubborn, he was strong, he knew what he wanted and denied help from just about everyone except me. As he deteriorated further, past the hair loss and the weight and muscle loss, as he needed a walker just to go to the bathroom, vomited tar like substances and lost bowel control, I moved back to Sydney for 7 weeks with amazing friends so I could care for him. He would need me one minute and would be shaking me and yelling at me the next. He bought up my entire past, all the abuse, all his mistakes and my birth mothers, he needed absolution. I struggled watching him deteriorate to nothing while reliving my past day in and day out so I agreed to Psychotherapy. Dad became so unwell, that he finally agreed to go into palliative care where he died 2 weeks after admission at 8:32am on his 69th birthday with me by his side. I watched his gasp for breath, and a tear run down his cheek as I told him ' stop fighting it daddy, I will be ok, no more suffering daddy if you just let go.' With dad dying, I lost my father, by abuser, my best friend.....And my self. The trauma has left me with PTSD, Anxiety disorder and trauma induced bipolar. I'm told my brain has had to rebalance after so many trauma's (abuse) in my life..that this trauma has left my brain unbalanced now.
My diagnosis only came on April 2016 so I am on an introduction level of 75mg of Lamictol and 100mg of Pristique, I am battling my self and my anxiety everyday over tasks as small as leaving the house or checking emails, I am keeping at bay hearing voices and suicidal thoughts, (neither have been experienced since being medicated) I am not sleeping well at all and learning about being in this world of having a mental health issue and still being the best person I can be for the sake of my children and the woman I call mum (but is clearly not my biological mum ) because hurting them is just not an option for me.
I have found a real lack of info or people with a diagnosis of trauma induced bipolar so far so I am hopeing this becomes a place where I can blog my journey so others don't feel alone... and we can connect and support each other. As i post stuff on this blog, don't be scared to pop in and say hi... I just ask that we keep the comments supportive and none judgemental of each other.
Till next time peeps!
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